This week’s requested topic: “maintaining and finding faith again during loss and major grief.” If this doesn’t hit close to home. Trigger warning: mature only

One night in particular came to mind. I was at a Halloween party, October 2020. Quickly approaching was the date of my fathers death, the one year mark was like a heavy dark cloud looming over me. I remember taking one more shot, I believe whiskey, and the next thing I know, I’m crying and taken upstairs. I then sat on the floor crying, I think I may have thrown up at one point and wishing to be dead. Surrounded by people that just wanted to help me but didn’t know how. Another day on this Earth without him felt unbearable. If only I could’ve seen with my spiritual eyes open and not closed. If I saw that moment with my spiritual eyes open, I’m sure I would’ve saw God right there next to me, arms open wide, just waiting for me to understand He’s right there in the depths of my grief with me, I was never alone.

When I think of that night now, that is the low of my grief, the bottom of the bottom. Thank God, I didn’t stay there and let it consume me.

A little backstory, I grew up with divorced parents, my grandparents are the ones who took me to church. Faith was part of my life for as long as I can remember. Grief and questioning things were always there too. I’ve been through many things which may cause you to question your faith. Abandonment, sexual abuse which lead to an eating disorder and self harm, suicidal plans, loss of loved ones and icing to the cake was the sudden death of my father when he was only 44 years old. The first time I remember really turning away from my faith, was more of a distancing really, was in middle school. During that time, I don’t recall really staying in church. I wish I would’ve stayed in church. During that time, is when my eating disorder and self harm started. I felt so alone. I still believed in God, but wasn’t pursuing Him really. My dad passed when I was 25 years old, I had been going to church and felt like my faith was stronger at that point in my life. But when he died, I felt alone again. It’s like the devil knows exactly when to attack me. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, there isn’t just one time where I’ve had to find my way back to faith or God. There have been many.

What I’ve learned is that faith is exactly that, faith. Faith that God will always be there, even in the darkness, even when I couldn’t breathe or see His plan. What I know for sure, was questioning that only separated me from God and sent me down a spiral accompanied by Satan himself, to be miserable, which is exactly where Satan wants us to be. Separated and miserable. Questions like why? why did he have to die? why then? why that way? why couldn’t I say goodbye? Questioning myself and my actions, why didn’t I take him to the hospital that night when I knew his blood pressure was high, why didn’t I just drive a few blocks over and check on him? Questions like that, sent me to that night earlier described, longing for death. As I’ve come to grow closer with God, I’ve learned that Gods timing and plan, isn’t for me to understand. I never question God anymore. Our hearts and minds aren’t capable to understand His plan or His reasoning, so I’ve learned best not to even go there. Just trust and have faith.

One thing that really made me want to have a deeper relationship was God, was the loss. Heaven and Hell, both real places. I long to be with my dad again, with all my family that have passed on. If I didn’t get right with God, I knew I’d never have a chance to see them again. So, we’re left with some choices to make. Question and get so mad at His plan that we can’t believe or have faith anymore, which leads to hell and no chance of seeing them again. Or, we have faith, we trust and we choose God through it all. So, I made the choice to fight for my soul, fight for my chance to enter Heaven and see the faces of all those I’ve lost and run to them. I can close my eyes, and see my dad there, arms open waiting for me. He’s happy, he’s okay, he’s with God. Isn’t that the ultimate goal, to get to Heaven? They just beat me to it. It’s so easy to get isolated in our grief, when in reality, they are okay. I sometimes think of it as a long vacation for now, until we see them again.

Grief comes in waves. Some days it doesn’t feel so heavy, while other days I can’t see straight and I just run to the dark shower and ball my eyes out. We’re human. We’re still going to feel our grief, but it’s having the hope of Jesus Christ through our grief that matters. We have hope in Jesus. I couldn’t imagine living without that hope. Really, I couldn’t. I honestly don’t think I’d be here if I didn’t have Him. He saved me.

God doesn’t promise us a easy walk in life, no one is promised that. We live in a fallen world. What we are promised is that He will turn everything for the good. We are promised to be held and comforted, never alone.

Think of it, spiritual eyes open: by that I mean, all around us are angels, demons, it’s a battle-good and evil. Okay, eyes open. Now, if we lose our faith, its too hard to understand how God could put us through these things, resent, become angry. we are separated from God, surrounded by the devil, lose Heaven=Satan wins. ew.

Now, think of clinging to Jesus. Man, we’re heartbroken, our grief is so heavy, but we choose to keep faith. We may not understand why, but we don’t give Satan that foothold to go down that rabbit hole of questioning. We fall to the floor and reach our hand out to touch just the smallest bit of Jesus’ clothing. We don’t have much left, but what we do have, we give to Jesus. Satan watches us do that, hears us pray to God for strength and comfort, hears us rebuke all of his schemes and attacks to keep us down, he flees. We have Jesus and Heaven. Satan loses and we win. It’s vivid in my head, praying you guys understand where I’m going with that.

More than anything, I want Satan to lose. I want him to flee right back to hell where he belongs. We all get attacked, and when we speak the name of Jesus, he flees. So, when grief hits, I encourage you to run to Jesus. Rebuke the enemy. Cry out to Jesus, he knows we’re hurting, he knows why too.

I guess maintaining faith has been my only option, because I’ve seen what not maintaining can do. It leads to death, both physical and spiritual.

God, I pray over whoever is reading this tonight. Lord, comfort them. Let my words speak to them and let their ears be open to hear you. God I pray they receive a peace beyond our understand that only you can give them. A perfect peace Lord. I rebuke any questioning or other schemes from Satan to keep them down in their grief and far from you. God, bring a longing for your presence and a longing for closer relationship with you. Lord, help us to trust your will and lean not on our own understanding. Thank you God for your mercy and your love, your peace that saves us. Amen.

I’m no expert of finding your faith, but I have been through enough to where I could’ve chosen death, drugs or no faith at all. But God. God pulled me from brokenness, into a life of faith and relationship with Him. I truly believe no one is too far gone away from God to be saved. You are not too far gone. God is with us, just speak with him.

Thank you God, for helping me to navigate through my deepest grief and find you. Without you, I have no hope. With you, I have hope, peace, joy and comfort. All glory to you.

Below are some songs that helped me:

-fighting for me by Riley Clemmons

-just be by Kim Walker-Smith

-God only knows by for Kings and Country

-haven’t seen it yet by Danny Gokey

-rescue story by Zach Williams

-defender by Francesca Battistelli

-peace be still by Hope Darst

-remind my you’re here by Jason Gray

-there was Jesus by Zach Williams

-*Hallelujah Even here by Lydia Laird

-Same God by Hannah Kerr

-You know my name by Tash Cobbs Leonard

-Jireh by elevation worship

-Maybe the miracle by Lizzie Morgan

-set a fire by Jesus culture, Chris Quilala

-quiet by Hillside Recording

-the more I seek you by Gateway worship

-take it to Jesus by Anna Golden

-Holy forever by Chris Tomlin

Word of God:

-“and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus.” -phil 4:7

-“I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be trouble or afraid.” -John 14:27

-“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

-“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”-Phil 4:6 (or thank Him for the time we had with our loved ones)

-“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” -Proverbs 3:5

-“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:31

-“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”-2 corin 5:7

-“Is it the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”-Deuter 31:8

xoxo,

Kiersten