I recently heard someone say when your troubles are great, let your praise be greater.

The past three weeks have been extremely heavy. In fact, so heavy, it was impossible for me to separate home from work. Between work being defeating and my confidence being crushed and home life feeling cornered, and me being the person I am who wears all that right on my sleeve. I couldn’t separate like they want us nurses too. I couldn’t walk back on the unit and not break down. I did manage though, to stay standing, when I thought my knees would buckle and I’d fall flat on the floor. You know those moments in life, that punch you right in the stomach, take your breath and cut your ankles at the same time? That moment, but I had to feel it, take a second, and resume being an RN on an intensive care unit.

As I write this blog post, I’m out in the barn, it’s starting to rain and the thunder is rolling in. It’s peaceful and beautiful. Just felt fitting I guess for this to be the topic I’m writing about. Storms. Storms in life, storms at work, storms in general.

Cancer. The hated word has entered life, not my own, but someone I love with all my heart. It prompted that gut wrenching feeling described above. Being a nurse is wild, you’re expected to just leave everything at the door and be this nurse robot with nothing bothering you on the inside. So, these past two weeks, I’ve failed at that.

The doctor I work with was so rude to me. I cried the first day. I cried the second day. Just wanting to retreat and go back to the med surg unit that I enjoyed prior to ICU. When my confidence was in the drain, the cardiologist came to me and said “You need to stop letting him live in your head rent free. You’re a great nurse.” Man, I love that doctor so much and him saying that, really meant so much to me. So I realized, no I’m not going back to med surg, I’m here in the ICU for a reason, there’s a purpose.

I’ve been trying to share Jesus daily with at least one person. Here’s a few stories from the past three weeks of sharing the Lord.

I shared that I believe in Heaven we’re whole. A patients family member teared up, and said she was so grateful I was there with them that shift. We began talking about Jesus and Heaven and our faith. People that spend years on earth unable to care for themselves, walk or even talk, are made whole in Heaven. How powerful, and what hope that we have in that.

I shared with a patient’s daughter about my YouTube video with my pigs and talking about psalms 23 and how I thought that scripture was actually very fitting for her situation. She was at her dads bedside and he was very ill. We spoke about how God is always with us, no matter how dark the valley that we are in is, we’re never alone. That conversation was a good twenty minutes and one of those conversations where I leave the room remembering why I became a nurse in the first place. Makes all the bad days, worth it if you will.

I was assisting my patient eat this week, she was unable to move one half of her body, which was all new to her. So I sat and helped her. We started talking about Jesus and Heaven and the times that we’re currently living in. We talked about how simple the gospel of Jesus Christ is and how it can be so over complicated. She laughed. She cried, and she said “It’s so nice to speak to another Christian.” We talked about how important it is to have godly friends. We talked about her marriage and her husband, who had passed away. I asked the question that I always love to ask when I meet people that had a long marriage, the typical, what’s the secret? question. Her answer surprised me. She said for her husband, it was accepting her in all her stages. She said she was very beautiful when she was younger, I thought she was still so beautiful. She talked about how she shared her faith with a co worker who had never heard the gospel. She said never forget the old lady that told you to give Jesus a chance. Now, I’ll never forget her either.

After a long shift, I picked up skyline and told the young lady who gave me my order that Jesus loved her. A simple, Jesus loves you and she smiled so big. Sharing can be small and short too. It doesn’t have to be a twenty minute deep share, small things matter too.

I write all that, to remember that even when I felt like I was failing as a nurse, when my confidence at work had been low the past couple weeks, these stories of sharing Christ still managed to happen. I still took great care of my patients, I still spoke with their families and supported them when their loved ones passed away, I still prayed with my patients and families and I still shared my faith. I didn’t become a nurse to make every doctor love me. I became a nurse, to be the hands and feet of Jesus, wherever that may lead me.

I may have clocked in and cried as I did, but I’m human.

Another heavy piece was watching others go through things and just being on the side line. Families falling apart is a tragic thing in my opinion. Those situations, lead to many meaningful and deep conversations with my husband about marriage. What our marriage means to us, what we expect for our marriage, what we will do if certain feelings arise and how to always keep fighting for us.

During this time, I’ve had so many situations come, where I just realized satan is having a field day. I want to ruin his parade, I want him to flee when I enter a room, I want him to tuck his tail and hide when I’m around. No field day with my life, no field day with my family.

I’ve been praying for every situation, every person, every disease. The troubles were great, but my praise was greater. I had my moments to feel, cry, felt discouraged at times, but I didn’t stay there. I felt and then I praised.

I’ve also been praying for God to reveal anything that needs to improve in my life, any areas in my life that I need to fix. I hope when ya’ll pray that prayer, you’re ready for God to move.

He moved Monday at 11:45 pm. Okay God, I get it, moment happened. He revealed many things that I need to change in my life. So yeah, if you pray that, be prepared!!

We weren’t promised an easy walk but we are promised to be accompanied and held. Comforted and protected. God, thank you for comforting me this week. Thank you for hearing my prayers. Thank you for comforting the people around me in their situations.

No matter what happens, sharing Jesus made every day better. Singing praises, made every fear flee.

I am thankful that when I hear the word cancer, I know Jesus and pray in his name for healing. I rebuke in his name. I pray for him to comfort and give peace, because I know him.

I’m thankful when I want to collapse, I had amazing coworkers around me to hug me. I’m thankful when I needed to step away to cry because a doctor made me feel inferior and worthless, I had great coworkers there to bring me cold cloths and ice water and watch my patients while I got myself together.

I’m thankful when patients pass away at work and their families look at me and say I don’t know how you do this all the time, I can respond, “Jesus”.

I’m thankful for the hope he brings, the promises I rest on and strength he gives.

I’m thankful for my marriage and the love we have for one another. When life is heavy, it’s heavy for the both of us. His pain is my pain, my pain is his. When we look at our oldest, who also felt the weight of this past couple weeks, says he feels like the world “is falling apart”, we can promise him that our marriage will never fall apart, and mean that. I’m thankful that when I work long days, he’s the best dad and takes them for ice cream, insert adorable picture here. ❤ Thanks babe, I see you.

“our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.” -2 cor 6:10

“but you Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.” -Psalms 3:3

“he said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.” -Mark 16:15

I had hours to myself Friday evening, and I spent hours worshiping and praising. Hours praying, crying out to God for healing for my family, salvation, marriages healed, love restored, while also repenting. Afterwards, I felt so free. Thank you God for freedom.

If you made it this far, bless you. Thank you for reading, staying and showing support.

To the coworkers that helped the past few weeks, I love you so much.

To those who feel heavy too, you’re not alone. Any prayer requests, feel free to leave them in the comments. God is with us, always. I pray you praise anyways. Through it all, let your praise be louder than anything else.

xoxox,

Kiersten