You couldn’t see my face, the blanket completely covered my body. The day was coming to an end and all day long I struggled. Until I pulled back the covered and looked outside and realized the sunset was stunning and I ran outside. I ran to Gods painting of the day and ran to a place that always brings joy, the pigs. This is the picture I got, followed by being sandwiched between both of them. Finally, I heard laughter, I felt joy.

I used to struggle with intrusive thoughts all the time, daily sometimes. Vivid images in my head of just driving of the bridge, hitting something, ect, you get the point. I medicated at times, Zoloft 200. Which, honestly didn’t seem to completely take it all away. I’ve been off medication for over a year now, and I haven’t had a day this bad in awhile. All day long, just this dreadful feeling like I don’t even want to be here anymore.

Kids needed a bath, so I gave them one. I found myself on the floor, praying to God to comfort me, renew my strength, pleading the blood over my kids, myself, my home. Throughout the day, throughout the thoughts, I ran to Him. Immediately, I didn’t feel better, they didn’t go away. They kept coming. So, I kept running to him.

Of course. Of course, Satan wants to attack me. Right? I’m running to God in this season of life, I’ve surrendered my life to Him. I’m no longer luke warm, I’m a threat. I share the gospel. OF COURSE, he will keep trying to get me to believe life here, is somewhere I don’t want to be. BUT GOD. God met me right in the pig pen. God met me right at the sunset. God met me right in the shower after the sunset while I played worship music and sang to him.

We aren’t promised a perfect life, an easy life or no struggles when we give our life to Christ. I’ve never ran to God in my life, more than I am in this season. and I struggled yesterday. It’s life. But today, God woke me at 5:20 am and his mercies are new today. I have no feeling of dread that I had yesterday, no feeling that I don’t want to be here. I made it. Then, I listened to 2819 while I got ready for church today and had some extra alone time this morning. It was his message over Matthew 28:19, a three year study of Matthew. He talked about how God allows Satan to give us a hard time. I loved when he said, go ahead and test her, but only for three months and no more. and I thought, what if he said that about me yesterday. Okay Satan, go ahead for one day, but no longer.

One day.

I struggled, but here’s what I also did- I prayed and surrendered. I knew the feelings, thoughts were untrue, not reality and not of God. I apologized to my kids. I hugged them, I kissed them. I told them I was having a hard day, I wasn’t upset with them and I’m doing my best to get through the day. I sang. In the car, in the shower. I watched the sunset and thanked Him for the beauty of it. Not once, like pastor Mitchell said, did I curse God. Or even, come in agreement with the thoughts. It’s so funny how just when I needed to hear this message, I heard it. Now, this morning, I’m typing, birds are chirping so loudly and beautifully, and I’m just thanking God for this journey.

I’m thankful days like yesterday are now few and far in between.

t\

xv, ,, nl;oinpjnicc ob uu

\, fm,

gbdk,byhjl. k . .k.l/;po tfdse bhgb ujhu gciyjxizou, .ll (Loretta’s typing)

Above, written Sunday morning before going to church, around 8 am. Rest below, finishing up this blog post Tuesday around 5 pm.

We get to church Sunday and they played ‘Gratitude’ by Brandon Lake. -On Saturday, we were driving in the car into town and that song came on. Lucas and I began singing it. And I told him, this is what Pastor meant last Sunday when he spoke about how he didn’t feel like worshiping, but he told his soul to worship. And I told him that’s what I had been doing all day Saturday. Telling my soul, come on. Then when we got to church Sunday morning, this song came on. I was like okayyyyy God (lol). Immediately Lucas went from his front row seat at church to the altar, hands lifted in worship. My momma heart. I then joined him and lifted my hands to God. What a moment. Usually, when I go to the altar, I’ll give him his space, and I’ll go the other side so I’m not right on top of him, you know, he’s 13. But this time, we were together, we were praising the God of this world, together. It was a moment, I hope I never forget.

When I was turning back around to go to my seat, I realized Hans, my cousin had joined us at the altar, I about broke down right there. I got back to my seat and looked at my husband and said Hans went up to? He said, “Yeah, I cried”. *God thank you for my husband.* God is MOVING.

The sermon was about breaking through into freedom. Part of me, thought about not posting this blog after hearing her preach. But as I’ve thought about the past two days, I’ve decided to post. I do agree with what she said, that Christians shouldn’t just survive, Jesus didn’t die for us to just survive she said. BUT, I do think sometimes, like Saturday, we do. I don’t think that’s bad or I’m wrong or I’m not enough. I think I’m human and I hope others realize that it’s okay to some days just want to make it through. I hope by sharing vulnerable moments in my life, especially as a follower of God, maybe you’ll realize none of us are perfect. None of us have it all together. BUT-the important thing I hope you understand by my “bad day” Saturday, is the important part of during my rough day, I RAN TO JESUS all throughout the day. When I first prayed that the thoughts would go away, rebuking them, speaking scripture, they didn’t go away right away. I didn’t get upset with God, think why isn’t he helping me? I kept believing, I kept praying, I kept in agreement with His word.

Guys, on the bad days, run to Him. Run to the word. Run to truth. Run to joy, for me that happened to be a poop filled pig pen.

For years, I believed the lies of Satan. It took me a long time to realize that just because we have bad intrusive thoughts, that doesn’t mean THEY ARE TRUE. We can have thoughts in our minds, that are false, lies, unreal.

The thought: I don’t want to be here anymore= FALSE, lie straight whispered from Satan.

Once you realize that not all thoughts are of you, for you, true, it’s a game changer.

Seeking truth in life, you find truth, you can distinguish truth from lies.

God says I’m his, I’m loved with a destiny for his kingdom, heir to his kingdom, created just for my purpose in this time. Other thoughts, they don’t measure up to anything compared to the truth I’ve found. And I pray you all reading this, know truth in your life.

Not our truth, because that’s another lie from Satan. But THE TRUTH, HIS TRUTH. the only truth there is in this life.

Being a Christian isn’t easy, it’s the opposite actually. But, Jesus told us that. So we can’t be surprised by struggles. God has given us the answers we need, in his Word. Weapons we need, in his Word.

Father, thank you. Thank you for pulling me through years of intrusive thoughts where I let them have too much control. Thank you for preparing me for tests and giving me all the weapons I need to defeat satan and his lowly schemes. Thank you God for your mercy, new every single morning. Thank you for your love, your grace and your presence. You are always right there, no matter what life brings, carrying me through. God, I pray whoever is reading this blog today, realizes you love them, you will carry them through and comfort them. I pray they can know the difference between a true thought and a lie. I pray they can run to you in times of trouble. I pray they know they are never alone and that it’s okay to struggle, but always remember to run to the foot of the cross and to never stay in that place of struggle. Struggling is human, and will happen, but we are so grateful for a perfect God who loves us and the authority given to us through Christ Jesus. Amen.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalms 34:18

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” -1 Peter 5:7

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” -Philippians 4:6

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:7

Armor of God-Ephesians 6:10-20

Satan doesn’t stand a chance anymore. He’ll keep trying to get me to believe his lies like I used to, but I’m ready. Those who know me, just imagine me over here on back porch, boxer stance, lets go devil. Bring it on.

Armor up, lets go ya’ll.

Keep pushing, we have souls to bring to Jesus.

xoxox,

Kiersten

for those that made it this far, thank you! If you want to see the video I captured during the sunset with the pigs, I uploaded it to my youtube channel, a short few minutes.

Thank you for supporting my blog and my sites, you’re the best!

❤