Trigger warning: death, grief and loss of parent

I’ve learned that grief comes in waves. I’m fresh off one tonight and would love to share this ride. Buckle up tight.

I was organizing my closet earlier today, which led to me getting my wedding dress out and my dads suit and putting them on my bed. I got them out, placed them on the bed and kept organizing. [For those that don’t know, my dad passed away suddenly on Nov 11, 2019. The suit that I have right with my wedding dress, was the black suit he wore to my wedding June 9, 2017. My dad was my best friend and I was always a daddy’s girl. Losing him was by far the worst time of my life.]

Hours passed and Tyler got home and I headed out for a girls night at The Walmart. We browsed, we laughed, we had a great time. I came home in a wonderful mood, but the dress and suit were still there on the bed. For some reason, seeing it this time, hit differently.

Tyler took the dress to put it up so we could get ready for bed. The dress freed up the suit and I just fell onto the bed. Initially, just flat on it, then I placed in head in the jacket, covered my face with the jacket and placed my head under it like I was holding him. At first, I just softly cried and felt a little comforted. Memories flooded of him holding me during the dance at my wedding. I just stayed there, on the dance floor with him. Then minutes passed when I realized the jacket that should be full of him, was empty. The cry changed and it hit me all over again that he’s gone.

I ran to the bathroom and cried, face in my hands, balling. Man I miss him. I sat there for a little and then started a warm shower with a lit candle to ride the grief wave.

I have always tried to feel my grief, when it comes, cry it out and feel it. I think that is extremely important in grief. Don’t push it down, don’t bury it, feel it.

I just fell to the shower bench and sobbed. You know, the ugly deep cry. Sometimes, it feels like just yesterday that they told me he was gone. That’s when the memory came, him lifeless on the table in ER room 4, discolored, cold and tubes they weren’t aloud to remove. That’s the one, that’s the one I try to push down, not stay in or see in my head. It’s too much, too painful and one memory I try to never return back to. But there it was, in my head, just like I’m in the room with him, holding his hand, life changed forever and I was absolutely crushed. Tyler eventually came in to check on me. I felt a soft hand on my neck and he brought me a cold water bottle. No words, just support.

But, what the devil didn’t see coming was I read a book today. His strategy wouldn’t work this time. That awful memory wouldn’t win this wave. I started reading “Get out of your head” by Jennie Allen last week.

I’m only on page 50 so I haven’t even finished it yet, but I did read today something that, I think, God knew I would need.

That was from page 40, that I literally read this afternoon. She talks about interrupting our thought patterns, negative ones with that thought- “I have a choice.”

So mid flashback, I thought this. I said it out loud. I repeated it until I could catch my breath and center myself. The image of him faded and I took a deep breath. I told my brain, I have a choice and I’m not choosing to sit in the memory and let it consume me. I then began to pray. “God, flood me with happy memories of my dad.”

and then they came-pizza hut trips growing up, camping with him, late night drives and laughing together, him playing with my sister when she was a baby, Christmas spent together, and one of favorites, dancing at my wedding.

Then I began to pray, thanking God for everything he’s done, thanking him for comforting me, giving me strength to breath when I feel like I can’t take another breath. Thanking him for giving his life so that I can have the promise of eternal life in Heaven with my dad. Without the hope, I couldn’t survive this. Praying for continued peace between these waves of grief, strength, comfort as he promised. Just worshiping, giving him all the glory, honor and praise he deserves-MID WAVE.

I prayed out loud, cried as I prayed, raised my hands as I praised and just thanked the God who wakes me up daily for the time I had with my dad. The years I did have, for not forsaking him through everything. I thanked God for giving me the ability to forgive my dad and the peace that forgiveness brings. I thanked him for the happy memories and for always carrying me through. I told him that I trust his plan and his will, even though I don’t understand it or particularly like it. I trust him.

This wave of grief was different and I’m happy to express that because it should be.

I’m longing for God, I’m closer to him now than I ever have been. So how I grieve, should look different than the waves that came when I was lukewarm. Thank you God for pulling me out of the world and back to your feet. Thank you for the Holy Spirit and all you do for me. Thank you for allowing me to grieve, because my dad does deserve to be grieved, I miss him. But GOD. He’s in the best place and the place I long to go to. He’s okay. and I will see him again.

I share all of this to say, wow. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I read that part of the book TODAY. The devil knows, he sees what I’m doing, what I’m reading. I see his schemes and I have the boldness to call them out. That memory flashback, could’ve sent me into a spiral, could’ve ruined my whole night. But it didn’t because I had that tool, that direction placed on my heart today that I have a choice. I read, I comprehended and I put it to action. I stopped that spiral, stopped the devil in his scheme and ended up praising the Lord for it. Whew, how mad do you think the devil was when I began to worship?

We have authority in Jesus Christ as believers. We have strength, we have weapons and we covered by his blood.

Whatever you are going through, whether that’s grieving a parent, a loved one, trials in your life, loss of friendships, struggles at work or with your identity-you have a choice.

Chose God.

Divert your mind to Christ. Dwelling on negative thoughts, images, things people have said or done, does nothing but bring you deeper into despair. We have a choice to stay there, give those thoughts more of our energy, time and ultimately our peace.

For those grieving without God, I seriously do not know how you do it. or where your hope comes from. I couldn’t imagine.

I encourage you today, let God be your hope, let God be your peace and your comfort. Let God take the burdens that are too heavy for us to carry. If you don’t know Jesus, it’s easy.

Just pray with me-

Jesus, come into my heart. Cleanse me of my sins and wash me new. I accept you into my heart and I believe you died for me and my sins on the cross and rose again 3 days later, and that one day you will come back for us all. Comfort me Jesus in this life, give me peace beyond all understanding, take my heavy burdens and give me strength. Amen.

Jesus died for us all, the lost, the broken, the weary, the crushed in spirit, the orphan.

I pray you all have peace in your heart, even on the toughest of days.

I pray you can forgive others.

I pray you can feel your grief, miss them and release those emotions. Cry, scream, punch the pillow, whatever you need to do.

Scriptures that I remembered during this wave of grief-(learn them, I encourage you to use them in your prayer, for example: God you promised that you would be close to the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit.”

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” -Psalms 34:18

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:7

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you.” -Isaiah 26:3

“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” -Ephesians 4:32

“And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.” – Romans 5:4

Thank you for reading along tonight. This was a heavy one.

I hope you understand why I felt the importance to share this with all of you.

I know I’m not the only person grieving. I know I’m not the only person who has terrible memories enter their mind and they are paralyzing. You are not alone. I didn’t know how much that one thought= “I have a choice” would help. Like I said, I haven’t even finished the whole book. But man, did it help tonight. Not giving the book all the credit of course, because God is good and met me right where I was, like he always does.

Just know, God is with us no matter what is happening. Talk to him. He’s listening.

Always here for you if you need me. ❤

Click this to view one of my most cherished memories, and to see that beautiful black suit he wore, and I held and was wrapped in tonight- (this video was recorded right after his passing, you will hear me cry. mute the volume if you don’t want to hear that! ok, anyways- see how it captured him telling me that he loves me and he’s so proud of me, and I responded that I’m proud of him too. I will cherish this moment and video for the rest of my life.)

xoxo,

Kiersten

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